Falling Out of Love? The Fondness Practice

Maybe it happened slowly. The butterflies are long gone, their text arrives and you feel nothing much, and one day a quiet question shows up: do I still love them? If you are asking that, you are not a bad partner, and you are far from alone.

Here is what surprises many couples: being in love is not a fixed thing you either have or lose. It changes shape over the years, and it tends to follow your attention. When attention goes to stress and old hurts, warmth fades. When it goes back to what you admire in each other, warmth often returns.

This page helps you sort out what is happening and gives you a small, honest way to test whether the feeling can come back: the Fondness Practice. Three minutes a day of sharing what you admire, appreciate, or remember fondly about each other, plus a monthly story night.

Signs you are falling out of love

Falling out of love rarely looks dramatic. It usually looks like this:

• You feel neutral about your partner, rather than angry or hurt.
• You do not particularly miss them when you are apart.
• Good news goes to a friend first, or to nobody.
• Their habits irritate you more than their qualities charm you.
• You imagine a life without them, with relief rather than sadness.
• You struggle to remember why you chose each other.

These signs tell you the feeling has faded. They do not tell you why, or whether it can come back.

Why love can feel like it is fading

The early rush was never meant to last

Researchers often describe two kinds of love. Passionate love is the early stage: intense longing and a bit of obsession. Companionate love is calmer, like a deep friendship. Many people assume the first always dies and only the second is left.

The research is more hopeful. A meta-analysis by Bianca Acevedo and Arthur Aron concluded that romantic love, with intensity and sexual interest but without the obsessive edge, can exist in long marriages. Across 25 self-report studies, it was strongly linked to satisfaction in newer and longer relationships alike. In a separate random U.S. sample, 40 percent of people married more than ten years said they were very intensely in love. So if the butterflies have gone, love may be changing shape, not ending.

Feelings follow attention

In that same sample, people who were intensely in love tended to think positively about their partner, think about them when apart, and be affectionate. The study cannot say which came first, but it fits what couples therapists often see: warm attention and warm feelings feed each other. The Gottman Institute calls this fondness and admiration, and describes it as the antidote to contempt.

Your story about the relationship changes

In a study of 52 married couples, John Gottman and colleagues asked partners how they met, about their good and bad times, and how things had changed. Fondness and a sense of “we” in the story went with staying together. Disappointment was the strongest sign of trouble. When you are hurting, the hard memories get louder. Part of falling back in love is getting the whole story back.

Resentment and stress crowd out warmth

Sometimes “I am not in love anymore” really means “I am exhausted and resentful.” If so, the mental load or the same fight on repeat may need attention too.

Sometimes it is boredom, loneliness, or something else

If life together has become the same week on repeat, the issue may be a rut, and reconnecting when you feel like roommates is the better starting point. If the main feeling is being alone next to your partner, see feeling lonely in a relationship. And if you feel flat about everything, read the note on depression below first.

The routine: the Fondness Practice

The Fondness Practice is a small ritual from the Daily Care layer of your Couple Care Routine, with one longer evening each month from the Monthly Care layer. If you are wondering how to fall back in love with your partner, start here. It does not ask you to feel anything on command, only to point your attention at the good parts, on purpose.

Time: 3 minutes a day, plus 1 to 2 hours once a month. When: a daily moment you already share, like dinner, the drive home, or lights out. Who starts: whoever is reading this. It still counts if only one of you begins.

1. The daily fondness share (3 minutes)

Each of you shares one thing about the other, picked from three kinds:

• Admire: a quality. “I admire how patient you were with your sister on the phone.”
• Appreciate: something they did today. “Thank you for making coffee before I was up.”
• Remember: a fond memory. “I was thinking about that rainy trip when we got lost and laughed for an hour.”

Be specific and say it out loud. The person receiving it has one job: say “thank you,” without deflecting or rushing to return the compliment.

Why it works: the Gottman Institute suggests regular, specific appreciation like this, and links fondness and admiration to couples’ satisfaction with romance, passion, and sex.

2. The noticing habit (all day, no extra time)

To share something tonight, you have to notice something today. That is the hidden point. Watch for one thing you like about your partner, and jot it in your phone or a shared couples journal.

Why it works: it retrains where your attention goes. Thinking positively about your partner, and about them when apart, went along with lasting intense love in the study above.

3. The monthly story night (1 to 2 hours)

Once a month, get out old photos, pour something nice, and retell your story. Take turns with these questions:

• How did we meet? What did you think of me at first?
• When did you know you wanted to be with me?
• What was our hardest season? What got us through?
• What have we built together that you are proud of?
• What do you hope the next chapter holds?

Listen for the “we.” If a hard memory brings up hurt, acknowledge it gently and move on. Story night is not for reopening old fights. For more questions, borrow from our deep conversation starters.

Why it works: in the oral history research, fondness and team spirit in a couple’s story went with staying together. Telling your story on purpose gives the good memories their place back.

Scripts you can copy

Starting the practice:

• “I have been feeling far from us lately, and I want to feel close again. Can we try a tiny three-minute thing each day?”

The daily share:

• “One thing I admired about you today was…”
• “Something you did today that I appreciated was…”
• “I was remembering the time we…”

If you want to be honest about your feelings:

• “I do not feel as close as I used to, and I do not want to pretend. I also do not want to give up without really trying. Will you try something with me?”

Your first month

Falling out of love usually happens over a long stretch, so give the way back at least a month.

Week 1: do the daily fondness share only. One sentence each. Missed a day? Just pick it up again.

Week 2: add the noticing habit. Collect tomorrow’s share during today.

Week 3: hold your first story night. Keep it light: photos, how you met, one good season.

Week 4: keep the daily share going and check in honestly: “Do we feel even a little warmer than a month ago?”

After that, keep the daily share and a monthly story night. Warmth returns quickly for some couples and slowly for others.

Printable routine card

Print the routine card Download the free PDF

How you will know it is working

• You notice good things about your partner without trying.
• Their appreciation lands, and you believe it.
• Irritation drops a notch, even on stressful days.
• You find yourself reaching for their hand, or telling them news first.
• Story night leaves you feeling like a team.

Warmth usually comes back as small moments before it comes back as a big feeling.

When falling out of love is a signal to take seriously

Not every fading feeling is a rut to fix. Sometimes it is information. Take it seriously if:

• There is ongoing contempt. Mockery, eye-rolling, name-calling. Of all the patterns in Gottman’s research on couples, contempt is the one the Institute worries about most. Learn to spot it in the Four Horsemen.
• There is abuse or fear. If your partner controls, threatens, humiliates, or hurts you, losing warm feelings is not a failure of love. Your safety comes first, not rekindling.
• Feelings stay flat after real effort. If you have both tried in good faith for several months and there is still nothing there, that matters too.

To tell a quiet season from an ending, ask yourself: is this flatness, or harm? Flatness in a safe relationship often responds to effort. Harm usually does not. And if the stress and resentment were gone, would I want to be with this person?

You do not have to answer alone. A licensed couples therapist can help. If one of you is leaning toward leaving and the other wants to stay, look for discernment counseling. Developed by family therapist William Doherty, it is short, usually one to five sessions, and helps you choose between keeping things as they are, separating, or committing to six months of couples therapy with the question of separating on hold.

When the routine is not enough

The Fondness Practice is a gentle tool for a relationship that is basically safe. Please reach out for more support if:

• You feel little pleasure in anything, not just the relationship. The U.S. National Institute of Mental Health lists loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities as a common symptom of depression, especially alongside low mood or hopelessness most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks. Depression can make a loving relationship feel empty. See a doctor or therapist before making big decisions.
• Trust has been broken, for example by an affair. Start with rebuilding trust and a couples therapist.
• The practice stirs up grief, anger, or old hurts you cannot move past on your own.

If you have thoughts of death or suicide, contact a crisis line or emergency number right away. In the US, you can call or text 988. If you ever feel unsafe, contact a local support service or emergency number.

The research behind this routine

• Romantic love over time: across 25 self-report studies, romantic love without obsession was strongly linked to satisfaction in short and long relationships. Acevedo and Aron, 2009, Review of General Psychology. Study
• Long-term love: 40 percent of people married over ten years in a random U.S. sample reported being very intensely in love. O’Leary, Acevedo, Aron, Huddy and Mashek, 2012, Social Psychological and Personality Science. Study
• Fondness and admiration: the Gottman Institute calls it the antidote to contempt and links it to satisfaction with romance, passion, and sex. Share Fondness and Admiration and Fondness, Admiration, and Intimacy
• How couples tell their story: in interviews with 52 married couples, fondness, “we-ness,” and low disappointment went with staying together. Buehlman, Gottman and Katz, 1992, Journal of Family Psychology. Gottman Institute summary
• Contempt: the Gottman Institute names contempt the strongest predictor of divorce in its research. Gottman Institute: The Four Horsemen
• Discernment counseling: a short approach for couples where one partner leans out and one leans in. Hardy, Clinical Science Insights, The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Summary
• Depression: loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities is a common symptom. National Institute of Mental Health. NIMH: Depression

Final note

Not feeling in love right now is painful, but it is not a verdict. Often it means attention has drifted away from what you love about each other. Three minutes a day of pointing it back, and one evening a month of remembering where you came from, is a fair and gentle test. If the warmth returns, keep going. If it does not, you will have tried with open eyes.

Falling out of love is one of several common problems with a matching ritual. See all Couple Care Routines for common problems, or read about reconnecting when you feel like roommates and feeling lonely in a relationship.